MORE ADVICE on Blog Writing to AA from SSA

Well, yes, I have been very bad and have skipped posting for a while. Because unlike AA – who blogs like a master, I actually have a life. So there.

Anyway. Let’s get to that blog, shall we?

And give some advice on how AA can use the momentum she claims to have gained through her special program of "own posting in support" (we'll call these sockpuppets for the purpose of this explanation), insults, lies, threats, and general tantrum-throwing to truly cement her place in the Bloggers Stratosphere.

Why is your own blog so important?

Because, duh, if you don’t take the battle to your own blog, you run the risk of the situation – and the ATTENTION – dying down. Also, being on your own blog will add credence to your lies about how many people are looking at you / your post and how they’re all rushing to read your blog in support of it. If you’re on someone else’s blog how could you know this?

But on your own…hell, even if the hit counter you have up indicates only, say, 2,000 hits more than it showed when the whole mess started, you can still easily claim 250,000 people checked out your site and blog per day, and of course, most of them support you. This must be true. It’s on your blog so you can’t lie.

So…

You start by writing your own NEW blog post, in which you simply tell the truth and nothing but the truth about how those “Evil Others” have injured, damaged, and hurt you personally.

How they have ganged up on you and left you bereft. How your innocent attempt to point out the error of their ways was taken amiss – an attempt those ungrateful bitches will never admit how much they appreciate. But we all know they do deep down because all idiots like having their idiotude pointed out. (How the hell else are they going to learn, right?)  All has suddenly snowballed into the most vicious type of aggressiveness against you.

This will be 100% true, because we all know how the “Evil Others” run their carefully orchestrated campaigns. I believe they have learned to do this by studying the writings of Purple Ronnie and Mao So Hung, because there is of course no way they’re smart enough to orchestrate something of this nature on their own. Hence, you have a whole cabal of EO, sitting in front of their computer screens, overeating in a vain effort to silence the gnawing pain of Not Being A Blogger Like You and cackling madly while they shout, “I’ve got you now, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch! I READ YOUR BLOG!!”

Now, for the first time ever anywhere, I will outline for you the exact methods these EO mafiosi use to discredit and attack you:

ALL of these things can and should be addressed on your own blog.

I recommend you begin by using that most mature and guaranteed-to-win argument ever: They Started It.

Hey, if they hadn’t been mean about you, you never would have been forced to jump in and defend yourself, right? And they did that knowing how much it could hurt and harm you. They did it just to ruin your life and, especially, to attract your attention. That’s all they want, is for you to notice them.

 

So first, you point this out. How you were attacked and wounded. Say whatever you want, because the fun isn’t in this initial post – although you must make clear how hurt you are, and how disappointed that they have failed in their responsibility to you. Real Fun will come in the comments.

See, at least one EO is bound to take umbrage at this. Like all stupid people, they get very offended when their stupidity is pointed out to them, even gently. Which you will not be, if you know what’s good for you, because gentleness doesn’t get your stats up.

So one or two of them will make some moronic comment about how disrespectful you’re being. This is typical of them; they try to make everything about themselves when we all know it’s actually about YOU. Simply let them know that you’re not falling for their attempts to pretend they’re the injured party. You know why they’re on your blog, and it’s because they’re having too much fun attacking you to go away. All you’re trying to do is set the record straight and here they are quoting you and picking at you like the dirty vultures they are.

Your post must contain a large amount of self-justification and references to both the stupidity of the EO AND how many better things they should have to do with their morbid littlelives AND their bad taste. AND, of course, their meanness, which is what this is all about.

A good way to do this is to mention the names of others in as foul a light as you possibly can.

This is guaranteed to make the EO see you as the delicate flower you are, and they will understand how little you deserve to have them express an honest opinion about your blog that is not 100% positive. Anything you do or say on your blog must be respected and accepted as The Truth. Because YOU wrote it. How dare the EO’s presume anything less.

Once again, it proves that you’re not a crazy egotist, you’re not unable to accept criticism, you’re just a sensitive and extremely talented little snowflake trying as hard as she can to make it in this big scary world, and the EO have unjustly targeted you for ruination simply because they get off on such things.

You also must – and this is so, so important  –NEVER LET THE MATTER DIE. EVER.

The name of the game is “Attention at Any Cost,” and you must make them pay for what they’ve done to you. Make the biggest stink you can. Start leaving abusive comments on every post they make on your blog. Threaten them. Threaten them some more. REALLY threaten them.  Apply more pathos.

If you’re really committed to becoming a huge hero, you’ll try the following:

*Write more blog posts. Write several a day, exposing them for the scum they are. Discuss in great detail how they gang up and bully bloggers like you, who did nothing to them except try to share a piece of your heart with the world.

*Make great and excessive use of things like “HAWHAWHAW!” I would have recommended “LOL” for expedience in most situations, but HAWHAWHAW is just as useful.

And most of the time what you’ll want to use “HAWHAWHAW / LOL” for are things that are not only not funny, but that no one would ever consider funny EVER. For example, you could say “Oh, well, I’m just joking LOL” and it’s not really funny, but one can see where the “LOL” just might fit in as an indicator of sarcasm or you being arsehole-y-ish gleeful about your arseholehood.

Remember, if it makes sense or is something any actual human being would actually laugh at, “LOL” is probably wrong.

I recommend “HAWHAWHAW” also for when you’re being a straight-up dick. Like, “What makes you dumb bitches think you have a handle on the world around you? I alone hold that in my hand HAWHAWHAW” .That way you can later pretend you were joking and man, it’s not your fault they have no sense of humor. (“HAHAHAHA!” is best left for threats.)

*Take their comments and comment on them out of context. You should take screenshots. It doesn’t matter if they’re quoting you calling them fiendish fuckheads. The point is, you have an image where one of them says the phrase “fiendish fuckhead.” Therefore they called you that and no one can prove any different. (Make sure you delete their comment immediately after screenshotting it.)

*Make up other screenshots/posts. The beauty of allowing anonymous comments on your blog is that YOU can post anonymously, too! Of course, you’re already doing so with your supportive “friends”, but don’t overlook the potential there. You can easily post attacks to yourself for all to see. And once again, not only can no one prove you’re not doing this, they’re too sheeplike and dumb for the idea to even occur to them!

*Inform everyone that you’re receiving private death threats. This will not only invoke their sympathy and make them see how they’ve gone too far, it will also prove to them your omnipotence (don’t worry about the potential logic issue with this; they certainly aren’t capable of seeing it). As they cower in fear, your name – and blog – will be imprinted on their brains, forcing them to read your blog even if they don’t think they want to. They do. Why? Because YOU are dominant, and you have proven it, and now they will submit. EO, being weak little fools, are guaranteed to roll over and do what you want once you take a firm hand.

*Hunt down every comment they make about you anywhere. Post long blog posts about them. Use HAWHAWHAW as often as you can.

*Don’t forget to punctuate all of this with more statements about how hugely your VIEWER STATS are rising with every passing second, how they have all made you famous, and you couldn’t pay for that kind of publicity so you thank them.

This will make them feel foolish and, of course, prove to them that they have been outsmarted. That works especially well if you begin informing them that THIS is what you expected all along, that you orchestrated the whole thing just to expose them and their evil scheming, and that they have played right into your hands and showed the world who they truly are.

THE WHOLE WORLD NOW KNOWS THEY SUCK AND ARE HATEFUL HATERS. HAHAHAHA!

Saying this is proof that you are a Winner

*And, as your last, bold move to Win It All, you must delete everything. Just delete it.

This will leave them guessing and wondering, delighted and amazed. This will leave everyone talking about you. You’ll become a legend: the Amazing Vanishing BLOGGER. They’ll debate about you for YEARS.

And you will have cemented your future forever. You, dear Absurdia, are a hero.

P.S. Then Re-Invent Yourself. And post the same shit. Always follow the same procedures. Do Not Deviate. It worked before. It will work again.

P.P.S. In the horrific event of Your Blog being shut down by the Powers-That-Be accept this as a horrifying slight on your integrity, morals and character. Understand that these so-called Powers know not what they do. But, remember, yours is not to Forgive. Yours is To Wreak Revenge.

Therefore, revert to P.S. Re-Invent Yourself.

(In event of P.P.S. re-occurring, simply repeat P.S. – ad nauseum. Do Not, under any circumstances, think to Break The Cycle. Remember, the EO’s know nothing about anything, are just nasty meanies without a single clue about life or anything like that that you don’t Teach them. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat…)

(and if I have to explain what satire is I might start screaming…)