How to be a Powerful Psychopathic Bully: Advice to Acerbic Arusha from Satirical South African

It is important to understand that there are degrees of the above. Once you have read through my Guide: How to Become a Psychopathic Bully, you will have the information necessary to decide which category best suits your purposes.

However, you should always remember that a successful PB can slip and slide between categories seamlessly. If you want to be really good, you will note holes in your performances and clean up your act.

Equally important is to remember that other people’s opinions do not matter. Nor do their feelings. You are the only one who matters – and getting as many of your friends and family to throw their collective weight behind this fact is vital to your success.

How you best convince these people to make you Numero Uno is laid out below. If you find yourself applying logic to any point made for you, then you are not ready to be a fully fledged PB.

You will know you have succeeded when friends and / or family will cover for you, brush your transgressions under the proverbial carpet and go about saying things like: But X is such a sweet / productive / kind / smart / blahblah person. You are permitted to smile here. Secretly. You will know they are talking shit because you are none of those things – but as long as they believe them, you are home scot free.

Also important is to have friends / family defend you whenever you are outed or rapped over the knuckles for just being who / what you are. They must say things like this, in your defense: But X is just so devastated / dejected / miserable that anyone should not see that X is sweet / productive / kind…blah blah blah.

When you have a few good friends / family members who can be relied upon to work as shown above you may then graduate to PB: Master Class. The more of these lesser beings you can manipulate and lie to (and have them believe you) the more powerful you are. I know you know this.

I believe it is my sole purpose in life to help you, Acerbic Arushan, achieve the full capacity of your Infinite Arseholery.

Here we go then:

• You must be a convincing and practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit your needs at that moment
• Take time to perfect your Jekyll and Hyde nature – be as vicious and vindictive as you can be in private, but all innocent charm in front of people. Especially those you need as your lieutenants. Work hard at convincing them you are sweetness and light personified. Only an idiot would suspect you, and you will have no truck with idiots. Because their idiotude only shows you up and you can’t have that. Be very sure that your Jekyll is good enough to fool as many people as you possibly can...your new employers, a court, any idiot who has you on their Christmas Card list. You must be the only one who knows that Hyde is the real you and that Jekyll is an act
• Excel at the art of deception. You must make very sure you are never underestimated in your capacity to deceive people. Anyone who thinks they see through you is an idiot. Remember you do not suffer idiots.
• The use of excessive charm is extremely helpful. You must be completely plausible and convincing when friends, employers or any others are present (charm can be used as a deception as well as doubling to cover for lack of empathy)
• Anyone serious about their PB abilities will be glib and superficial with excessive use of fine words and lots of "excellent" form – (that there's no substance to anything you “believe in” must escape the attention of others.)...especially at times of conflict. Those who look like they might have one up on you in this department must be avoided. They are idiots, remember. Ridicule them. 
• On the subject of RIDICULE: Calling people names is important.  If you cannot beat them, call them "Fatty" or your other favourite word "Cunt". Do this often. It shows just how very mature you are.
• At all times, you must rely on mimicry and repetition to convince others you are both  "normal" and a free-thinking individual / trendsetter, as in extolling the virtues of the latest NGO / Human Rights / Management fads and making solid use of the accompanying jargon
• As a PB, you must be exceptionally skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly. This is especially necessary when needing to convince some poor sucker of your tenderhearted innocence.
• You must harbour deep prejudices (e.g. against the opposite sex, different sexual orientations / cultures / religious beliefs / foreigners and so on...) – only Idiots think prejudiced people are unimaginative but you are not to concern yourself with this)
• Key to being a successful PB is the steadfast refusal to be specific and to never give straight answers – but even more importantly, you must be possessed of a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability.
•  You must exhibit inappropriate and unusual attitudes to sexual behaviour / matters, and bodily functions. You have already been awarded a Master Class (Arseholery Category) Award for activity in this arena as witnessed by your superb blogging as Acerbic Arushan 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and god alone knows how many more re-runs to which we still have to look forward. With aplomb and no degree of hesitation you have revealed that underneath your incredibly charming exterior there are suspicions / hints and oft times downright blatant evidence of sexual discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse.

WHAT IDIOTS WILL SAY ABOUT YOU

I suggested at outset that you should not concern yourself with issues of logic in your quest to become the perfect PB.

Of course, I realize I am worrying about this unnecessarily as you will not have the emotional capacity to consider any of the points below as applying to you in any way, shape or form whatsoever. Which is why you are well on your way to becoming a PB: Master Class (Arseholery Honours)

These meanies, who think they are better than you when you know they are not – because, quite simply they are NOT YOU, will say some, if not all of the following about you:

• You cannot be trusted or relied upon - ever. Every time you open your mouth it is to lie. Again. (Work hard on maintaining eye contact when telling whoppers. This will convince people of your honesty. If it doesn't and they accuse you of being deliberately "starey", tell them how horrid they are and that you have a big, fat log in your eye that makes you look the way you do. This will make them feel bad immediately and start removing the splinters in their own eyes so as to allow you time to recover from this horrible accusation. If you MUST smile during this exercise, please do it secretly.)
• You fail to fulfill obligations - in work, say, and will sulk horribly when taken to task over any evidence of this. (I know you hate sulking, but you will feel that someone has to do it because, after all, you are above and beyond approach  Don't these idiots know this by now?)
• You may even be accused of misconduct. Certainly of some degree of what is conidered, in normal circumstance, illegal activity. Like Drugs. (But because you only use them Recreationally and, anyway, just because you are YOU, this is not to be considered an issue. Laws are for Other People. Not You. So stop feeling victimised. Ok.)
• You are emotionally retarded. Other people will insist you have an arrested level of emotional development. They will argue that whilst your language and "intellect" appears to be that of an adult, a PB like you displays the emotional age of a five-year-old. (Resort to your old favourite here to prove them wrong: Call them names. Often. Make them as vile and nasty as you can.)
• You are emotionally immature / untrustworthy and are incapable of sustaining intimacy. (Unless it suits your purpose. In which case you can do a pretty good job of showing you care about someone. That Other People are stupid enough to actually believe you is entirely their own problem.)
• You are an emotional vampire. (See above.)
• And most audacious of all, that you are an amoral and pathological liar. (When accused of this, lie. Through your teeth. Then compound this effect with more lies. Guaranteed to make people feel entirely comfortable in your company at all times. And if they are ever cheeky enough to object / point out one of your lies - ridicule them. Or cry. Or both. Just don't ever allow yourself to tell the truth.)

Tomorrow we will visit the GURU portion of being a successful Psychopathic Bully.

You will learn more about the characteristics required of a MASTER ARSEHOLE and how you must behave when caught out at something and who to involve in your bid for “freedom” and how.

There is just so much you need to know. You are certainly showing a lot of promise as it is – imagine how powerful you will become if you pay attention and learn to apply all the skills of a Psychopathic Bully.

I am here to assist. As always.