You have the potential, Absurdia, to be more…you just need help. Seriously.

So. I took almost four months off – a sabbatical of sorts. One grows weary of the same old same old same old…

I start reading Absurdia’s rants again. What do I find? More of the same old same old same old…

The Urban Dictionary proves most useful when trying to put a finger on the style employed by this idiot:

1. Boringator: Someone who is a boring bastard! Concoction of the word came from the film ‘The Terminator”…Terminate + or=…You see where I am going with this…?

2. Boringly: The act of something being done in a boring way.

3. Boring: Not amusing; agonizingly dull…

4. Unimaginative / Predictable: lacking in original thought; uncreative. 

Sometimes a result of pent up sexual frustration after months of inactivity.

Which, given the state of mind of AA, is PREDICTABLE. Because someone so wrapped up in self can only be a horrid and BORING lay.

Every time I read another of Absurd Arusha’s posts I hope it has turned into “good reading” show.

Sadly, it does not.

It’s ALWAYS more of the same old same old same old…

It’s ALWAYS like some vast exercise in some weird CUT ‘N PASTE style of blogging. With only the odd name, face or place changed periodically.

The plot is ALWAYS the same. Porn.  More porn. Change some names. More porn. Stick a new face on more porn. Say something about someone being gay. More porn. Change a place. Stick with porn. Or someone being gay. Oh! Add more porn. And being gay….

God!

If ever there was a BORINGATOR it’s Absurdia.

But, as ever, I am here to assist.

I have expended a great dealof energy before trying to help this idiot make sure she writes solid blog posts. It hasn't helped. Evidently. She persists. * see above…

So, here is my next best effort at helping the poor, sad fool: Let’s consider all of this nutter’s rants and make them into a Sitcom scenario…

The first episode of the first season had potential. Exceeding small, admittedly, but there.

Since then it's gone down a very steep hill.

I witness a myriad of problems, but I think they all come back to the writing. 

This is a poorly written blog / show, with predictable plots, contrived (and predictable) rants, and obnoxious assertions. There are a few, VERY few, shining moments. So few, in fact, that I am hard-pressed to count them on the hand of a complete finger-amputee.

And I want this "Absurdic show" to be good. I really do. This is the golden age of blogging.   There is so much brilliant stuff to read on the WWW. And yup, I want a "cool" ABSURDIA BLOG / show too. But this is just so NOT a cool blog / show. This is a mess.

And I'm not saying it needs to follow Mein Kampf or the comics, which are also meandering and plagued by long stretches of boring. It just needs some good writing so that I don't find myself exasperated by the boring-ness of it all... 

I don't know how much of the blog in question has been….ummm….pre-conceived and will continue to suffer from predictability.  But as an avid blog reader I do have some suggestions on how to make Absurdia’s blog / show more engaging.

Stop with all the monologues

At least 4 million times per blog, everything grinds to a halt so Absurdia can tell her version of a story, or relay some information, or give an impassioned rant. 

I get that an idiot like AA sees her blog as some kind of apocalypse, but there needs to be less repetition of the same old same old same old...  - with that CUT’N PASTE style of providing information used less exhaustively.. 

Hire a Psychiatrist to assist with your plot

You are, my dear, a caricature. 

You have made yourself into someone who can be depended upon to:  rant all the time ( not for any real reason, but so there can be tension in lieu of “character” development), employ your own odd brand of CUT “N PASTE,  use the same tired old lines – all of which do little else but show your burgeoning psychoses.

You need help. And not just from me as your writer mentor. From a doctor. In a white coat. Who can help you with drugs other than those of your own ministration. And, one can only hope, somehow …somehow bring you into a more plausible and rational frame of mind so that what you blog is not so interminably PREDICTABLE.

Give CUT ‘N PASTE a break

I know I addressed this problem already, but this really deserves special mention: You are reprehensible. Your “plot” is reprehensible. Everything you say is reprehensible. It's ALWAYS the same old same old same old SAME. 

YOU may well have some hair up your arse about the world at large – whilst you yourself are some lovely, perfectly formed crusader – but , Lord, are you predictable!

And that is BORING.

You  babble on about  how much you hate …you are angry at …he’s gay…she’s lesbian….add some more porn. USE CUT ‘N PASTE. More porn…..more hate…. CHRIST! Unless the goal of your blog character is to, in fact, show your irrationality and morbid fixation with things sexual, please give the same old same old same old CUT ‘N BLOODY PASTE pattern of comment a break. For once.

Give your PROTAGONISTS something to do other than be black

In other words – who died and made you the MESSIAH FOR AFRICANS?

All your African characters are either a) standing in the background and not speaking for themselves or b) shut down with your PREDICTABLE sodding "Cut ‘n paste some more porn / gay / lesbian and so on"...  ad nausem attacks when they DO use their own voices and contradict you.

Sad, Absurdia. Very, very sad.

Address your blog’s massive logical fault

(This one comes with a SPOILER ALERT).

 I refuse to believe that not a single person with an opinion differing from yours,(save for the SOLITARY glowing blog post you wrote on an individual who-shall-nameless-but-everyone-knows-who-anyway), deserves some sort of positive comment.  You treat people / comments as if they are all complete arseholes. Especially if they contradict you.

I call bullshit on that. That's weak. And it doesn't make a great deal of sense.

It may be that there is a very good, logical explanation for all of this.

 We need to hear it. Because otherwise YOU, Absurdia, are showing contempt (and massive lack of logic) for everyone and everything, save yourself,  by pole-vaulting logic in favour of an emotional payoff.  

Mind you, that contempt you show might well be all you are about...refer back to the point re: Psychiatrist.

Stop making your characters do stupid, illogical things in every blog

The whole thing is pretty funny.

When one separates your blogs from what is acceptable and rational behaviour as a whole, one does begin to see just how funny you are.

Sadly funny. But amusing, nevertheless. You stand as “The World's worst example of problem solving”, ever.

Every single blog (save one) you write robs the moment of any tension.Because each and every one is the SAME. 

And really? The only way your writing could be worse is if all your “characters” stood in a circle hitting each other with bricks. When you put other people in a completely illogical situation to give the illusion that something, in your bizarre and warped perception, is happening - that's lazy writing.   

Shame on you. When you have the potential to be so much more...

Which brings me to another Urban Dictionary definition of what the net result of your response to this blog will be:

1. Pedantic: The nitpickery… that drives the... insane...often mistaken as a tool to impress others when in fact it is annoying

As in: I love it when you dominate our conversations through critiquing my word usage and completely avoiding the central arguments, you pedantic fuck.

Here endeth today’s lesson – please do stand by for more exercises on how not to be so bloody boring. You have the potential, Absurdia, to be more…you just need help. Seriously.