Psychopathic Bullying 101 Part II: lessons from a Satirical South African for Acerbic Arushan

So sorry. Life has a way of getting in the way when you have other plans. You know.

No more messing about! Let’s get on with How To Be A Psychotic Bully: 101 Part II.

Acerbic, lick the end of your pencil, get your head down and learn.

Primary to being a successful PB (Master Class – Arsehole Category) is:

The Avoidance of Acceptance of Responsibility.

1. You MUST show evidence of your talents as a PB. This can be achieved by recidivist and childish behaviours and attitudes. Not to mention lavatory humour and the obvious need to say words like: cunt / cock  and talk about sex in as shocking a fashion as you possibly can. And as OFTEN as you can. (If anyone tells you this is childish, ignore them. YOU know better. Of course.)

2. To help you develop this take a turn around the back of any toilet where kids loiter and you will hear the same sort of language and attitudes being played out. Take notes. Use them often in your posts. Remember to add the BWAHAHAHAHAHA we talked about in a previous blog post to show you are only joking. (That no-one else finds you amusing is entirely their problem. You are not to concern yourself with social niceties and, god forbid, you must never relent. It is vital that you establish it firmly in the minds of Other People (OP) that you are a Master PB and will have none of their warped logic or objections. You are above reproach. Remember this.)

(* if you find yourself having a hard time remembering this, make sure you have at least 4 friends and at least one parent who will remember this for you. Make sure you use them to re-inforce this. Remember not to smile whilst they do. Not ever. You do not wish to blow your cover with your allies.)

(** this includes remembering not to smile when being questioned, say, - like during when you are meant to be discussing something that requires remorse. It is absolutely essential that you maintain full control of all your bodily reactions at all times. No matter how pressing the situation may be for you)

3. Remember, please, that a successful PB is someone who appears to be adult (on the outside) but is actually a (somewhat moronic) child on the inside. OP’s might be stupid enough to call you emotionally retarded or even to say you have the EQ equivalent to that of a five-year-old. Or less.  (You must ignore these observations at all costs. Steadfastly refuse to accept such allegations. How dare these idiots assume they know anything. About anything. At all. If they persist in this, call them names. Use your notes from your trip around the back of that lavatory. Repeat yourself. It proves they are wrong.)

(* as also previously mentioned, any logic which seems to escape any of these arguments doesn’t matter. Not to one such as you)

4. You will want to take full benefit of living in the adult world. This is ok. It means you can do all the things you think “adults” do. Travel the world. Meet interesting people. Take cocaine with them. It’s your life, n’est pas!

What you must NOT do, whilst taking advantage of the grown up world, is be willing to accept any of the responsibilities that go with enjoying the benefits of the adult world. Not EVER. In short, you are NEVER to tolerate any notion that you should be required to accept responsibility for your behaviour.

(* it helps if you have worked hard at the cultivation of friends and family who will assist with your quest to never be accountable for your actions. And being the clever PB you are already showing great prowess with, you will have made sure you have a good, strong camp of….ummmm, Acerbees, to coin a phrase. As you should. You are wonderful. Of course.)

When called to account for the way you have chosen to behave, you will instinctively exhibit the following behavioural responses, please:

           a) Denial: deny everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING!

Variations on denial might include Trivialization ("That I might have told a teensy weensy lie, once or twice, is so trivial it's not worth talking about...") or even the Fresh Start stance ("I don't know why you're so insistent that I am an addict. I only use drugs recreationally and anyway, I can stop any old time I want!)  (You need to not allow any of those OP idiots point out to you that there is no other way to use illegal drugs other than recreationally. This point made by any of them is to be ignored. It contains a logic that need not apply. The only logic is your logic. Do not forget this. Ever.)

It is imperative that you abdicate responsibility for any of your actions or words. 

How else are you to be recognised as a PB: Master Class (Arsehole Category)? A good way to do this is to work to divert / distract attention from yourself by using false conciliation. This is SUCH a valid tool. I can’t believe millions of people don’t use it and worse, I can’t believe that, for example, murderers are not allowed to use it as a line of defence:"Look I know I've just murdered 12 people but that's all in the past, we can't change the past, let's put it behind us, concentrate on the future so we can all get on with our lives"

b) Retaliation: you will always counterattack. Quickly and Seamlessly. 

Counterattack is most effective if used IMMEDIATELY following denial. Effective use of an aggressive counter-attack using counter-allegations / criticisms, based as much on the distortion of facts or pure and simple fabrication will really show how smart you are.

There are several key elements to this stage and you must use them to full effect: you must lie, use deception, hypocrisy, duplicity and blame.

Your real purpose here is to avoid having to answer any questions about your behaviours / attitudes and thus avoid coming even remotely close to accepting responsibility for your behaviour.

NOTA BENA: (better re-sharpen your pencil, Acerbic, this is absolutely essential to your development)

Both a) and b) are to be delivered with a masterful aggression. Use vicious falsehoods if necessary. This is to be understood by OP’s as you being assertive.

The fact there is no assertiveness (which is, after all, about recognising / respecting the rights of oneself AND others) at all is not something with which you must concern yourself. I know you know this. I just need to check that you do.

      c) You MUST feign victimhood: I cannot stress how important this is if you are to succeed as a PB and to move from strength to strength.

In the highly unlikely event of your brilliant use of denial and / or counter-attack being insufficient, feigning victimhood or persecution through the manipulating of other people through their emotions, especially guilt is remarkable in its ability to help you through.

You can and must, for example, burst into tears, which most people cannot handle and they will therefore start seeing your point immediately and will fall over themselves to support you.

Please remember not to smile whilst anyone is doing this. And definitely NOT whilst dribbling your tears. This is counter productive. Get a grip.

Any OP who DOES NOT fall for your tears is to be ignored. If this does not work, resort to your true-blue time tested use of threats to murder, maim or make pornographic images of…

You may also indulge in self-pity, be sure to feign indignation, pretend to be "devastated", claim YOU are the one being bullied  / harassed.

Also effective are claiming to be "deeply offended", melodrama and a poor-me feigning of sadness. (NO SMILING!)  

By using these responses a successful PB will be able to avoid answering questions honestly, if at all. This will allow you to thus avoid accepting responsibility for anything you may have said or done. Afterall, this was a pattern of behaviour you would have learnt by about the age of 3; MOST kids learn or are taught to grow out of this, but some are not taught to be accountable so by adulthood, this effective avoidance technique has been practised to perfection. It helps considerably if you have parents who are committed to helping you escape accountability. Over and over and over and…

When I next have a spare moment to continue your edumakashun, Acerbic we will have a good look at Reflection, Projection and Validity of Testimony.

In the meantime I am sure you are working hard to practise all these vital attributes of a Psychopathic Bully.

P.S. You are, of course, quite right. I HAVE cut ‘n pasted. From my WORD DOC to MY BLOG. Don’t be an idiot – it’s so disappointing when you have been doing so well with proving what a very clever person you are. Don’t start stating truths now when you have been doing so unbelievable well with utter bullshit fabrications.

TSK!

But, Acerbic.....

A Going-Nowhere Rhyme

One little 

Two little 

Three little 

More?

How many little ?'s

does it take

to be sure?

Three little 

Two little 

One little 

More?

Have you not yet figured out that I really don't care about several things:

1. Your audience.
 I don't want or need it. Unlike you, I don't need sycophants to make me feel
a whole lot better about myself.

2. Your opinion of me.
You are hardly showing any degree of smarts when you state the obvious about me.
Call me fat - what an astute observation. Pillock.
I have a 4 year old nephew who made the same observation.
We have covered this before - I am impervious to your crap.
Knock yourself out.

3.  Your attitudes.
I will not be cowed by you.
You are a vile and vindictive arsehole. Of monumental proportion.
Do I need to remind you that you have thrown your "worst" at me and I did not cave?
You are a bully and a fool, Acerbic.

4.  Your opinions on my writing.
I do not need your critique.
It will be a cold day in hell before I value the opinions of one such as you
on my blog content.

I don't write for attention. You, on the other hand, are an attention-whore.
I do not write for a literary award.

I wrote to be able to track you, initially. And I did.
Now?
I only write to annoy you. And I do.

Mission accomplished.
Times Two.

As Churchill might have once said...

...Most astute of you, Acerbic. 

And I do agree with you.

 I am fat.

But I can lose weight. 

You, on the other hand, cannot change your nature. 

I can shed pounds and become svelte in some months -

 You, my dear, are going to be a complete nutter

 for the rest of your tragic life 

and there is no diet nor amount of exercise
 to expunge that affliction.

How to be a Powerful Psychopathic Bully: Advice to Acerbic Arusha from Satirical South African

It is important to understand that there are degrees of the above. Once you have read through my Guide: How to Become a Psychopathic Bully, you will have the information necessary to decide which category best suits your purposes.

However, you should always remember that a successful PB can slip and slide between categories seamlessly. If you want to be really good, you will note holes in your performances and clean up your act.

Equally important is to remember that other people’s opinions do not matter. Nor do their feelings. You are the only one who matters – and getting as many of your friends and family to throw their collective weight behind this fact is vital to your success.

How you best convince these people to make you Numero Uno is laid out below. If you find yourself applying logic to any point made for you, then you are not ready to be a fully fledged PB.

You will know you have succeeded when friends and / or family will cover for you, brush your transgressions under the proverbial carpet and go about saying things like: But X is such a sweet / productive / kind / smart / blahblah person. You are permitted to smile here. Secretly. You will know they are talking shit because you are none of those things – but as long as they believe them, you are home scot free.

Also important is to have friends / family defend you whenever you are outed or rapped over the knuckles for just being who / what you are. They must say things like this, in your defense: But X is just so devastated / dejected / miserable that anyone should not see that X is sweet / productive / kind…blah blah blah.

When you have a few good friends / family members who can be relied upon to work as shown above you may then graduate to PB: Master Class. The more of these lesser beings you can manipulate and lie to (and have them believe you) the more powerful you are. I know you know this.

I believe it is my sole purpose in life to help you, Acerbic Arushan, achieve the full capacity of your Infinite Arseholery.

Here we go then:

• You must be a convincing and practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit your needs at that moment
• Take time to perfect your Jekyll and Hyde nature – be as vicious and vindictive as you can be in private, but all innocent charm in front of people. Especially those you need as your lieutenants. Work hard at convincing them you are sweetness and light personified. Only an idiot would suspect you, and you will have no truck with idiots. Because their idiotude only shows you up and you can’t have that. Be very sure that your Jekyll is good enough to fool as many people as you possibly can...your new employers, a court, any idiot who has you on their Christmas Card list. You must be the only one who knows that Hyde is the real you and that Jekyll is an act
• Excel at the art of deception. You must make very sure you are never underestimated in your capacity to deceive people. Anyone who thinks they see through you is an idiot. Remember you do not suffer idiots.
• The use of excessive charm is extremely helpful. You must be completely plausible and convincing when friends, employers or any others are present (charm can be used as a deception as well as doubling to cover for lack of empathy)
• Anyone serious about their PB abilities will be glib and superficial with excessive use of fine words and lots of "excellent" form – (that there's no substance to anything you “believe in” must escape the attention of others.)...especially at times of conflict. Those who look like they might have one up on you in this department must be avoided. They are idiots, remember. Ridicule them. 
• On the subject of RIDICULE: Calling people names is important.  If you cannot beat them, call them "Fatty" or your other favourite word "Cunt". Do this often. It shows just how very mature you are.
• At all times, you must rely on mimicry and repetition to convince others you are both  "normal" and a free-thinking individual / trendsetter, as in extolling the virtues of the latest NGO / Human Rights / Management fads and making solid use of the accompanying jargon
• As a PB, you must be exceptionally skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly. This is especially necessary when needing to convince some poor sucker of your tenderhearted innocence.
• You must harbour deep prejudices (e.g. against the opposite sex, different sexual orientations / cultures / religious beliefs / foreigners and so on...) – only Idiots think prejudiced people are unimaginative but you are not to concern yourself with this)
• Key to being a successful PB is the steadfast refusal to be specific and to never give straight answers – but even more importantly, you must be possessed of a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability.
•  You must exhibit inappropriate and unusual attitudes to sexual behaviour / matters, and bodily functions. You have already been awarded a Master Class (Arseholery Category) Award for activity in this arena as witnessed by your superb blogging as Acerbic Arushan 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and god alone knows how many more re-runs to which we still have to look forward. With aplomb and no degree of hesitation you have revealed that underneath your incredibly charming exterior there are suspicions / hints and oft times downright blatant evidence of sexual discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse.

WHAT IDIOTS WILL SAY ABOUT YOU

I suggested at outset that you should not concern yourself with issues of logic in your quest to become the perfect PB.

Of course, I realize I am worrying about this unnecessarily as you will not have the emotional capacity to consider any of the points below as applying to you in any way, shape or form whatsoever. Which is why you are well on your way to becoming a PB: Master Class (Arseholery Honours)

These meanies, who think they are better than you when you know they are not – because, quite simply they are NOT YOU, will say some, if not all of the following about you:

• You cannot be trusted or relied upon - ever. Every time you open your mouth it is to lie. Again. (Work hard on maintaining eye contact when telling whoppers. This will convince people of your honesty. If it doesn't and they accuse you of being deliberately "starey", tell them how horrid they are and that you have a big, fat log in your eye that makes you look the way you do. This will make them feel bad immediately and start removing the splinters in their own eyes so as to allow you time to recover from this horrible accusation. If you MUST smile during this exercise, please do it secretly.)
• You fail to fulfill obligations - in work, say, and will sulk horribly when taken to task over any evidence of this. (I know you hate sulking, but you will feel that someone has to do it because, after all, you are above and beyond approach  Don't these idiots know this by now?)
• You may even be accused of misconduct. Certainly of some degree of what is conidered, in normal circumstance, illegal activity. Like Drugs. (But because you only use them Recreationally and, anyway, just because you are YOU, this is not to be considered an issue. Laws are for Other People. Not You. So stop feeling victimised. Ok.)
• You are emotionally retarded. Other people will insist you have an arrested level of emotional development. They will argue that whilst your language and "intellect" appears to be that of an adult, a PB like you displays the emotional age of a five-year-old. (Resort to your old favourite here to prove them wrong: Call them names. Often. Make them as vile and nasty as you can.)
• You are emotionally immature / untrustworthy and are incapable of sustaining intimacy. (Unless it suits your purpose. In which case you can do a pretty good job of showing you care about someone. That Other People are stupid enough to actually believe you is entirely their own problem.)
• You are an emotional vampire. (See above.)
• And most audacious of all, that you are an amoral and pathological liar. (When accused of this, lie. Through your teeth. Then compound this effect with more lies. Guaranteed to make people feel entirely comfortable in your company at all times. And if they are ever cheeky enough to object / point out one of your lies - ridicule them. Or cry. Or both. Just don't ever allow yourself to tell the truth.)

Tomorrow we will visit the GURU portion of being a successful Psychopathic Bully.

You will learn more about the characteristics required of a MASTER ARSEHOLE and how you must behave when caught out at something and who to involve in your bid for “freedom” and how.

There is just so much you need to know. You are certainly showing a lot of promise as it is – imagine how powerful you will become if you pay attention and learn to apply all the skills of a Psychopathic Bully.

I am here to assist. As always.